Horror-Scopes
January 4, 2008
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Every luxury in life was lavished on you, atheism, breastfeeding, and circumcision, and yet, you still complain day in day out.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
The fact you can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins leftover explains a lot about your people skills
Gemini (May 21 - June 2l)
Two reasons you’d make a great replacement for a lab rat. First, the lab assistants won’t get attached to you, second, you will do things a rat just will not do.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Flee at once! All will be discovered this year.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
The library is a great place to meet that special someone, or read a book. Considering your track record with relationships, I recommend, “War and Peace”.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Some mornings it probably doesn’t seem worth gnawing through the straps.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Setting goals will help you achieve what you want in life this year. I have two suggestions: world peace, and getting your own apartment.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
This year you will finally understand the importance of bondage.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 2l)
To quote J.R. Newman, “Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse”. It’s time for you to lubricate.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
This week aspire for a day of bliss, like when the plumber comes to unblock your toilet.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
If you had only kept the receipt, then you could return your significant other.
Pisces (Feb. l9 - March 20)
Gaining weight? Consider the possibility you are consumer too much of other peoples patience
